Big ole’ bucket of Emotion

ImageMaybe it’s just me but it feels like love and hate come from the same place, and the only thing that separating the (2) is choice. I think that’s why I feel so crazy sometimes. They are both extremes love and hate. Neither is rational when everything is subjective. We choose what we love, and what we hate nobody makes us. I keep thinking about that scripture in James ” a double minded man is unstable in all his ways.” I think I’m that man. Inside me there is a hurricane, and I try so hard to keep it in open waters but it always finds its way back to shore. Looking back at all the destruction in my life I’ve been the cause of it all. How do you come back from that? People talk about it being so simple, people that have never been in my shoes. It feels like everyone else has it all figured out, except for me. Like I’m in the deep end of the pool struggling to stay a float and everybody is just watching. Telling me how easy it is to swim but never jumping in to show me how. It’s hard for me to chose. I want to love, but I am filled with hatred. That’s a dilemma. I look at my world and I see people who say they love God judging me, when I know I would never do that to them. I hear rumors and accusations about me, when I thought people we’re supposed to talk to each other about things? It’s like everybody just wrote me off as being to crazy to deal with, or too problematic. When I couldn’t imagine giving up on anybody. Now I have given up on everybody. 

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2 thoughts on “Big ole’ bucket of Emotion

  1. Reading about your feelings, i never felt like you were filled with hatred…i don’t have an answer and i wish i could “jump in” to help you swim to the shore. And i wish i could give you the strength to forgive yourself and to let them go…all the shadows, all the accusation, all the so-called “Christians” who rather hit you with a rock than saying a word of kindness…
    But if love and hate comes from the same heart, maybe the hurt and the happiness can co-exist too? We’re all victims at some point. And we’re all aggressors at the same time (if not to others, maybe to ourselves).
    Thinking of you and praying for a ray of hope in your life,
    Cari

    • hey thanks for those kind words. you made some good points. I read somewhere that as humans our normal is brokenness. As a father and husband I have to look at the mistakes I’ve made and take responsibility for them. I’ve made a lot of them. Hurt a lot of people. So I think that what I’m facing now is consequences for my action. I’m just coming to the conclusion I can’t be mad at where I am right now because I put myself here. Thank you for your prayers I need them.

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